From Being Right to Making Things Right

“justice cannot be based on what is convenient for us”

Parashat Shoftim teaches us many important lessons about leadership, justice, responsibility, and how we should treat other people. One lesson that I believe is especially important today is the lesson of conflict resolution. Conflict is a part of life. We all experience disagreements with our spouses, children, friends, coworkers, and even within our communities. The question is not whether we will experience conflict. The real question is how we choose to deal with it.

This is where I see a connection between Parashat Shoftim and Orrin Woodward's book, Resolved: 13 Resolutions for Life. One of the ideas that stands out to me in Resolved is that we have to take responsibility for our own lives and our own actions. When there is conflict, it is very easy to look at what the other person did wrong. We can become focused on their words, their attitude, or their behavior.

But resolving conflict begins when we are willing to look at ourselves. Parashat Shoftim tells us: "Tzedek, tzedek tirdof",  "Justice, justice shall you pursue." Why does the Torah repeat the word "justice"? To me, it is a reminder that justice cannot be based on what is convenient for us. We cannot demand fairness from someone else while refusing to examine our own behavior.

When I am involved in a conflict, I have to ask myself: Am I really looking for justice, or am I simply trying to prove that I am right? There is a big difference between the two. Sometimes we enter an argument with the goal of winning. We want the other person to admit that we were right and they were wrong. But winning an argument does not necessarily mean that we have resolved the conflict. We may win the argument and lose the relationship. That is why I believe conflict resolution requires humility.

Shoftim also teaches us about judges and the importance of having a fair process. A judge cannot simply make a decision based on personal feelings or favoritism. There has to be a standard of justice.

This is also important in our personal relationships. When we are angry, our emotions can become our judge. We may remember everything the other person has done wrong while forgetting our own mistakes. Conflict resolution requires us to slow down and listen. Before responding, we should try to understand what the other person is really saying. Sometimes what looks like anger is actually hurt. Sometimes what sounds like criticism is really a request for attention or understanding.

This is where the principles of Resolved can help us. Personal growth requires us to become more aware of ourselves and the effect our actions have on other people. If I want to resolve conflict, I cannot control the other person's response. I can only control my response.

I can control whether I listen or interrupt.

I can control whether I react in anger or take a moment to think.

I can control whether I blame someone else or accept responsibility for my part.

I can control whether my words build the relationship or damage it.

This is where I believe Torah and the principles in Resolved come together.

Shoftim teaches us the importance of justice, responsibility, and righteous leadership. Resolved challenges us to apply those principles to our personal lives. And perhaps one of the most important places to apply them is in our relationships.

Conflict does not always have to destroy a relationship. In fact, conflict can sometimes become an opportunity for growth. It can teach us how to communicate better, how to listen, how to be patient, and how to understand another person's perspective. But for that to happen, we have to change the question we ask.

Instead of asking:

"How can I prove that I am right?"

we should ask:

"What can I do to make this relationship right?"

That is a very different mindset. “The goal of conflict resolution is not to determine who wins the argument, but to determine what will restore justice, dignity, and peace.”

Shoftim teaches us that a healthy society cannot function when everyone becomes their own judge and jury. We need principles, fairness, listening, accountability, and restraint.

And that lesson applies not only to governments and courts, it applies to our families, marriages, friendships, workplaces, and communities.

Parashat Shoftim reminds us that justice requires discipline and responsibility. Resolved reminds us that personal growth also requires discipline and responsibility. When we put these ideas together, we can see that conflict resolution is not just about solving a disagreement. It is about becoming the kind of person who can handle disagreement with wisdom, humility, and respect.

The goal is not to avoid every conflict. That is impossible. The goal is to learn how to handle conflict in a way that brings us closer to one another rather than pushing us farther apart.

For me, this is one of the powerful messages of Shoftim: Justice begins with how I treat the other person, but true conflict resolution begins with how I am willing to look at myself.

If I can take responsibility for my actions, listen before judging, control my emotions, and pursue what is right instead of simply trying to be right, then conflict can become an opportunity for personal growth. And perhaps that is one of the greatest resolutions we can make in life:

When conflict comes, I will not focus only on changing the other person. I will begin by changing myself.